CFCN's Exclusive Interview with Daniel Radcliffe aka Harry Potter

London- We met with the young star of the Harry Potter series at a quiet pub in London's theatre district.

CFCN: Daniel, thank you so much for sitting down with us for the interview. You're obviously a busy young man these days with the amazing success of the Harry Potter movies.

Radcliffe: Yeah, I've pretty much been up to my eyeballs in arse and tits since the movie came out. I can't even walk by a Barnes and Noble with out getting laid these days. I knew these Potter movies were gonna be money-makers, but I had no idea how much of a pussy-magnet that little nerd could be.

CFCN: So it's safe to say you are enjoying the success of the films?

Radcliffe: Enjoying it? Uh let's just say my magic wand has gotten more action in the past 3 months than a port-a-potty at a urinary tract infection convention....

CFCN: Huh?

Radcliffe: (sighing) Ok see if you can figure this one out....I have seen more golden snitches over the last 12 weeks than an obgyn with ADHD.

CFCN: Whatever you say Harry....

Radcliffe: (angrily interrupting) You call me that again and I will rip your tongue out of your mouth and use it instead of tissue the next time I have to hit the lieu for a dump....which could be any minute...you ever have Indian food? That curry goes through me like J.K. Rowling goes through typewriters.

CFCN: Ok....speaking of Ms. Rowling, have you had any input on the characters or plot developments in upcoming books.

Radcliffe: Yeah, I told her to write a chapter where Harry and Ron end up "double-teaming" Hermione after a long night of studying spells at Hogworts. She wouldn't go for it.

CFCN: I must admit you have a very adult sense of the world Harr....I mean Daniel. Has all the celebrity that came with playing Harry Potter caused you to grow up a little too fast?

Radcliffe: (laughing) Are you shitting me?

CFCN: No.

Radcliffe: You know how much ass I would be getting if I was Danny Radcliffe, high school junior and member of the chess team instead of Daniel Radcliffe, star of three blockbuster movies?.......NONE. Look at me, I'm goofy, I wear glasses, and I don't weigh much more than 5 stone...that's around 80 pounds for you Americans. You think I would be happy as some normal English schoolboy looking like this? I snorted coke off of Lindsay Lohan's ass at a party in Newport Beach 2 weeks ago. Yeah, I'd much rather be wearing knickers and a blazer and playing cricket at some godawful high school somewhere. You must be fuckin' crazy!

CFCN: Well, I see our time is coming to an end....

Radcliffe: You're goddamned right it is. I've got a bookstore appearance in a couple hours. Need to get some sleep, so I can be ready to meet my fans. Wanna know my favorite line for signing books at these things?

CFCN: Ok sure, what is it?

Radcliffe: If the chick asking me to sign the book is hot, I write: "You ever play Naked Quidditch with a superstar before?" And then I slip 'em my hotel key.....works like a fuckin' charm!

CFCN: Well, thanks for taking the time, and good luck on all your future acting projects.

Radcliffe: As long as that old hag Rowling keeps cranking out this Puff-the-Magic-Dragon-Lord-of-the-Rings bullshit, I think I'll be fine. After that, I'm buying an island somewhere and leaving asshole reporters like you here to wonder what I'm doing. I'll tell you what I'll be doing. I'll be bangin' anything that moves, that's what..... cause I am Daniel muthafuckin' Radcliffe bitch!

And with that he left the pub, hopped onto a ten-speed bike that appeared to be made of solid gold and pedaled away into the London night......