Snoop Dogg Vows to Keep it Realer on Upcoming Album

Los Angeles, CA - Hip hop superstar Snoop Dogg announced his intentions to "finally make a record that he and his homies could be proud of" in a written press release delivered to the media on Thursday. "I've been flakin' and perpetratin' and scared to kick reality my whole career" wrote the lanky rhymer. "I'm tired of this fo'shizzle, you my nizzle nonsense," he continued. "Now I'm ready to let the world see the true Snoop Dogg, a guy who ain't out at parties smokin' a pound of chronic every weekend. I want the world to get to know the quiet, introspective, sensitive Snoop D-O double G."

In a suprising development, Snoop announced that his upcoming album is tentatively titled Sittin' at Home Watchin' Dvds With My Soulmate. "I chose that title cause its real man, you dig? I like to cuddle up with the love of my life and watch the Friends dvds. That Ross is a cool cat. And don't even get me started on Joey. I ain't afraid to admit that kind of stuff anymore." Snoop went on to relate that he had already completed several tracks including one called, I'm Straight Gardenin' and Readin' Fashion Magazines, and a second called, It Ain't No Fun, When the Homies Don't Take the Time to Listen to My Feelings. A third track titled Comfy-ass Cardigan Sweater (Throw Ya Fleece in the Air) was leaked to the internet last week.

"People need to understand I'm not this dope smokin' gangsta I've been portrayed as on my past albums," the rapper continued. "I drive a 2003 Volvo and most Sunday afternoons I'm at the country club either hitting a few balls on the range or just playing bridge with my homies. How gangsta is that?"

"I'm not talking 'bout gin and juice or hydro or none of that stuff on this record man. I'm talkin' about playin' online chess, drinkin' Caramel Fraps, and ice skatin' with my life-partner, the stuff the real Snoop is all about. With this new album, I'm sending a personal message to each one of my fans, sayin': This is the real me, it's nice to meet you Mr./Mrs. fan, now let's explore each other's emotions."

Snoop's record label, Geffen Records refused to comment.

Amazing Revelations in new book about Mao Tse-Tung

A new book makes startling revelations about Chairman Mao. In painstakingly detailed fashion, author Jung Chang describes a softer, funnier side to the communist leader.

The author uses letters sent from the former leader to friends, lovers, and family to construct a portrait of a man with two distinct passions. Mao's first passion is unsurprising, as the book constructs a portrait of a man who dedicated his whole life to the development of a unified, Socialist Chinese state. The leader's other passion in life however, is quite surpising. In addition to being one of the most significant historical figures of the 20th Century, Mao Tse-Tung was a comic genius.

"Dearest Mother, my honor requires me to inform you of something I have done. I, Mao Tse-Tung, am Chinese, and I have played a joke... like a capitalist dog, I have gone pee pee in your coke. Forgive me Mother," writes the leader in one particularly revealing letter.

In another letter addressed to a friend from Mao's unit in the provincial army, the enigmatic leader writes "Do you know how many Marxists it takes to screw in a light bulb? The answer, of course, is two Marxists, but I am not quite sure how they fit their bodies into the tiny light bulb in order to copulate."

The book entitled LMAO, The Unknown Story is set for release next week. Look for it at your local bookseller.

American Idol Host tragically killed in salon accident

TV Host Seacrest dies in fiery explosion

West Hollywood - Ryan Seacrest, host of the popular Fox reality series American Idol, died today in what police are calling a tragic hair-tinting accident. The television personality was apparently consumed by a deadly fireball after ashes from a cigarette ignited hair dye being applied to his short, spiky locks. Eye witnesses said the ashes immediately turned into flames as the alcohol/dye mixture covering Seacrest's head proved to be an all too combustible fuel. A police spokesperson said "the young fella just didn't have a chance with all that stuff on his head and with that synthetic fibred t-shirt he was wearing. I guess that's the look nowadays, but kids out there need to know that hair dye, tight-fitting rayon, and fire just don't mix."

"I was applying the third coat of our Sundrenched Morning blonde dye to his tips....I had already told him twice that he could not smoke in the salon, he just wouldn't listen," recounted an unidentified stylist.

"He kept asking me, 'Do you know who I am?' I told him I didn't know who he was, but he couldn't smoke inside anyway," she continued. "Then one of my co-workers asked him if he was the actor who played the new male nurse on General Hospital. I think that may have made him angry. I turned my back for one second and the next thing I knew his little body just burst into flames like a firecracker."

"The little man was just burnt to a crisp. I never seen anything like that before," relayed Vivian Tran, owner of Vivian's Hair and Nail Salon, shuddering as she spoke. "All that was left was his tiny shoes and a charred pair of expensive women's jeans."

Fox Television has released a statement expressing their "heartfelt sorrow at such a tragic loss of talent." The studio has declined to state whether the current season of American Idol will go forward without its now departed host. However, former host, Brian Dunkelman was spotted leaving the Fox studio lot with what was described by one on-looker as an "odd grin on his face."

Celebrity reaction to the tragedy has just begun. Elton John has already announced that a tribute song, based on his hit singles Candle in the Wind and the Princess Diana tribute, Candle in the Wind '97, will hit the airwaves next week, to be followed by a prime-time telethon. The new Elton tribute song is tentatively titled This Time I'm Literally Talking 'Bout a Candle in the Wind (Goodbye Idol Host). All profits from the song and the television special are said to be going to the singer's Save Elton John charity fund.

Dozens of Seacrest fans have been spotted laying bouquets of flowers, bottles of hair dye, and size-small designer t-shirts at the site of the long-cancelled, On-Air With Ryan Seacrest talk show, as well as at the entrance to Fox's studio lot. "We miss you Ryan, you will always be our Idol," read one young fan's tribute sign. Another sign read simply, "Seacreast Out? Why so soon God? Why?" Seacrest's fans will have only memories of the thirty-something, semi-talented television personality to inspire them after today's tragic loss.

CFCN's Exclusive Interview with Daniel Radcliffe aka Harry Potter

London- We met with the young star of the Harry Potter series at a quiet pub in London's theatre district.

CFCN: Daniel, thank you so much for sitting down with us for the interview. You're obviously a busy young man these days with the amazing success of the Harry Potter movies.

Radcliffe: Yeah, I've pretty much been up to my eyeballs in arse and tits since the movie came out. I can't even walk by a Barnes and Noble with out getting laid these days. I knew these Potter movies were gonna be money-makers, but I had no idea how much of a pussy-magnet that little nerd could be.

CFCN: So it's safe to say you are enjoying the success of the films?

Radcliffe: Enjoying it? Uh let's just say my magic wand has gotten more action in the past 3 months than a port-a-potty at a urinary tract infection convention....

CFCN: Huh?

Radcliffe: (sighing) Ok see if you can figure this one out....I have seen more golden snitches over the last 12 weeks than an obgyn with ADHD.

CFCN: Whatever you say Harry....

Radcliffe: (angrily interrupting) You call me that again and I will rip your tongue out of your mouth and use it instead of tissue the next time I have to hit the lieu for a dump....which could be any minute...you ever have Indian food? That curry goes through me like J.K. Rowling goes through typewriters.

CFCN: Ok....speaking of Ms. Rowling, have you had any input on the characters or plot developments in upcoming books.

Radcliffe: Yeah, I told her to write a chapter where Harry and Ron end up "double-teaming" Hermione after a long night of studying spells at Hogworts. She wouldn't go for it.

CFCN: I must admit you have a very adult sense of the world Harr....I mean Daniel. Has all the celebrity that came with playing Harry Potter caused you to grow up a little too fast?

Radcliffe: (laughing) Are you shitting me?

CFCN: No.

Radcliffe: You know how much ass I would be getting if I was Danny Radcliffe, high school junior and member of the chess team instead of Daniel Radcliffe, star of three blockbuster movies?.......NONE. Look at me, I'm goofy, I wear glasses, and I don't weigh much more than 5 stone...that's around 80 pounds for you Americans. You think I would be happy as some normal English schoolboy looking like this? I snorted coke off of Lindsay Lohan's ass at a party in Newport Beach 2 weeks ago. Yeah, I'd much rather be wearing knickers and a blazer and playing cricket at some godawful high school somewhere. You must be fuckin' crazy!

CFCN: Well, I see our time is coming to an end....

Radcliffe: You're goddamned right it is. I've got a bookstore appearance in a couple hours. Need to get some sleep, so I can be ready to meet my fans. Wanna know my favorite line for signing books at these things?

CFCN: Ok sure, what is it?

Radcliffe: If the chick asking me to sign the book is hot, I write: "You ever play Naked Quidditch with a superstar before?" And then I slip 'em my hotel key.....works like a fuckin' charm!

CFCN: Well, thanks for taking the time, and good luck on all your future acting projects.

Radcliffe: As long as that old hag Rowling keeps cranking out this Puff-the-Magic-Dragon-Lord-of-the-Rings bullshit, I think I'll be fine. After that, I'm buying an island somewhere and leaving asshole reporters like you here to wonder what I'm doing. I'll tell you what I'll be doing. I'll be bangin' anything that moves, that's what..... cause I am Daniel muthafuckin' Radcliffe bitch!

And with that he left the pub, hopped onto a ten-speed bike that appeared to be made of solid gold and pedaled away into the London night......

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